In the future I plan to stay in school. About two years ago, I dropped out because I was feeling overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with the passing of my great grandfather and by having changed schools. At the time, I felt I had no power and no hope. That’s when my acting out began. I used to come home at all hours of the night, run away from home, drink every other day, first experienced sex, and I even went in and out of mental hospitals.

I attended Kolbe Cathedral for my freshmen year of high school. People say freshmen year is the worst because you’re just getting adjusted and everyone’s trying to fit in. I was one of those students. I wasn’t comfortable with myself and I had very low self-esteem. I tried to fit in and be popular, but that only brought me trouble. I had a few incidents where I was in drama with other girls and I also would fool around in class. Consequently, it brought my grades down tremendously. I went from being an honor roll student to almost failing math and even history, one of my favorite subjects.

After I got through with my first year, my grandmother decided not to send me back. I don’t blame her, but at the time I was furious. Now, three years later, I understand. My grandmother was retired and used her hard-earned pension and savings to pay for my sister’s and my tuition. We had no financial aid so it was expensive. My grandma stayed up late nights searching for online schools for my sister and me. By the time she found one, it was already December. My sister Collette and I lived with my grandma to finish our online classes and we visited our mom on the weekends. Getting an education online was difficult and it took a lot of concentration and discipline! About five months, later my sister and I persuaded my grandma to let us move back with our mom. She gave in… It didn’t last very long because my sister and I just stopped doing our work. My mom was at work so she didn’t know. When she would come home, late nights, after work she would ask, “Did you do any school work?” of course, my sister and I would lie.

My great grandfather and I were very close. We shared many laughs and loved to joke around with each other! Don’t get me wrong: he was the playful type, but he also knew when to be serious. He loved to lecture me, share his knowledge and experience. He also taught me some of the things I now know today, like not too chew so loud. I remember he always used to mimic the way I used to chew, and the first time he did, I broke into tears because I thought he was making fun of me. Now that I am older, I know he only did that because he wanted me to be a classy young lady. When my great grandfather passed in December, it broke my heart. I did not even get a chance to say goodbye. Before he passed, he also made my grandmother aware that he was very concerned about me.

I feel so much guilt about what I used to do, disobeying my mom’s rules, coming home after curfew. When she’d call worrying about my well being, I wouldn’t answer and she would be so stressed. I am remorseful for all the stress I had caused her. Even though I may not know the feeling of having my child run away from home because I have none, I know it hurts. She would write my friends on Facebook looking for me. She would stay up all night wondering if I would even come back.

I promised myself after the third time I was released from the mental hospital, I would not go back again! That was 2012, and I haven’t. What changed? I took my medication every day so I’d be sane and I talked to a therapist. Soon after, I was hired at City Limits Diner, and I didn’t have time to see my therapist and get my prescription for my medication. Working at City Limits kept me out of trouble despite not having any medical attention for my disorder. I realized when you have a lot of time on your hands, that’s when you get into trouble. It is like a kid – if you don’t distract or entertain them, then they will touch or do things they are not supposed to.

From what you have read, you can tell I had a lot of problems from within. I dug myself a hole and then kept digging it deeper. BUT as long as you make it out of the hole, that’s what matters.

Now I work almost forty hours a week at Sbarro while attending school! The separation from my ex-boyfriend made me realize I have to focus on myself and the people who truly care about me. My bond with my sister grew stronger. My mom and I are still repairing ours. I guess for her too it took separating from her ex-boyfriend of eight years to realize her kids are the ones she needs.

For future reference, I will do three things! 1) I’m not going to give up on my education. No matter how rough it gets, I am going to keep aiming for my master’s degree in criminal justice. 2) I will also make sure I keep active because, if I have too much time on my hands, I might find trouble. 3) I will try to love the person I am, and everyday I wake up I will tell myself, “I am beautiful and loved!”


1. Dealing with my feelings

how do you deal with a bi-polar girl?

how do you love her?

understand her?

touch her?

even, look at her?

shes not the girl you were just laughing with

laying down with

rubbing your back and picking at the pimples

watching movies with

i go silent

i shut down

you don’t understand why I’m mad and you say I’m just crazy

i see black

i shout

i pack my things

i walk out

later on that day I’m coming back to you as if nothing ever happened.

how do you deal with being happy and depressed next minute

how do you deal with having a quick impulse?

or getting mad at irrational things?

how do you deal with me baby? i cant even deal with myself.

Here’s a thought!

you give me time

you give me space

get out of my way!

in just a few I’ll be back to sane.

2. I Thought…

I thought love lived here

I guess it moved

I thought we cared about each other

I thought wrong

I thought I was the only lips u kissed

You kissed her

And her

I thought I was the only one you touched

But you touched her

And her

I thought when you lay down at night

you thought of me

I thought wrong

I thought you were happy with me

I guess I’m not good enough

Where did we go wrong?

I thought what we had was strong

I thought wrong

3. Blind to Everything…

I was blind

I couldn’t see

All the pain you were going to bring to me

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That all the accusations were true

Next time I’ll listen

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That your eyes were not only for me

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That’s your hands weren’t only on me

next time I’ll observe your behavior

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That you and I couldn’t be

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That you would never change

Next time I won’t try to change someone

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That you tried to take me from my family

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That you were an alcoholic

Next time I’ll ask myself are you worth it?

I was blind

I couldn’t see

That you abused me physically and mentally

I was blind

And couldn’t see

That you’re worthless… no good…selfish

Next time I will leave before I even give you a next time

I was blind

And couldn’t see

That everything was right in front of me

Next time I will follow my intuition before I get in too deep.

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