When I found out we were moving, it was a good feeling at first. Until I found out I would be sharing a room with my sister. Don’t get me wrong; I love Marisol to death, but come on! Sharing a room with her? Forget it. Marisol and I are only 11 months apart and we are close, but we do bump heads really quickly. I’m the type of person that can’t be in someone’s presence when I’m feeling a type of way towards him or her. That’s not the only thing that gets to me, and she knows it. For starters, she gets to keep her queen bed and I get stuck with a twin bed. She gets the big closet and I get the little one. I have no dresser space because she took up all of it for her own belongings. The thing that presses my buttons the most is when I pick up my closet before I go out, only to find that everything is upside down or taken.
I let her know how I feel, yet she does not care or respect that. She even lets her friends sleep on my bed and borrow my belongings. I hate it and feel I have no space…It doesn’t feel like I can say that anything in that room is actually mine. I don’t think our sharing a room is going to last long.
The reality is: we are on two completely different chapters in our lives. She’s been out of high school for the past 2.5 years, with problems with her boyfriend dating back for the past 3-4 years.
As a result of these and other problems, she dropped out of Housatonic Community College, but that’s no excuse. Of course, I know I can be snob at times, but that doesn’t give her the right to violate my privacy. When I speak to my friends, they all have the same response: she’s jealous… That assessment came as a surprise. I mean, there is a lot about me that shouldn’t make anyone jealous; I’m not the best looking or anything. Still, that got me thinking about what I do like about myself:
I like that I have curly hair, big eyes, nice eyebrows and I’m learning slowly to love myself as a whole again.
I am a very self-motivated person, encouraging, funny, ambitious and brave. My most powerful strength throughout life so far has always been being an honor roll student. My parents don’t believe in my getting a C or lower, because they know that I’m intelligent. I’m a visual learner, so I catch on to things the first time I see it done or taught. My grades haven’t been up to my usual level ever since we’ve moved to Stamford from Bridgeport. And that got me thinking, too:
When I lived in Bridgeport, I was always made fun of due to my weight. It started when I was in elementary and middle school. Going into 7th grade, the taunting started to slow down. I was actually starting to lose weight and getting comfortable in my own skin and body. But when we moved to Stamford, I did a complete 360. My first couple of months at my new school, there I was, being made fun of all over again. It made me feel like my progress wasn’t paying off. I didn’t want to go to school, and if I did, I didn’t put any effort into getting my education, because I was too focused on what others said I was. I carried so much hatred towards Stamford as a whole, because it was out of my comfort zone. Shouldn’t I feel safe and comfortable anywhere? Then I started to see that doing anything new is a disorienting process. When you’re out of your comfort zone, you should expect to (temporarily) feel uncomfortable. Once that sank in and enough time passed where I could again feel good about myself, I started dropping weight and my grades again began to rise. In the end I realized, I can’t let a couple of negative words bring me down; that’s life. It’s up to me to show them that their words don’t faze me or the person I am becoming.
Now when I look across the room at all my sister’s stuff, I take it (a little) less personally than I did at first. After all, no one truly knows how another feels on the inside. You can cover your feelings with any type of happy expression or laughter or even simply being around loved ones so they don’t feel as lonely. That’s what is happening with my sister. I just wish she could actually sit down and listen to how I really feel without turning it into something negative all the time. It’s all part of the process I can tell her. Try to see all change as positive.
As a result, I recently tried to speak to her once again about the issues I have with her and the actions she chooses, but it only made things worse. The only thing I can do is be mature about the situation and get myself out of that room for good. My mother-in-law invited me to stay with her and my boyfriend, but that’s too much of a big step for me right now. I just want to finish off my high school career strong and find a good university to attend. Then I can just stay in a dorm. Yes, I know I’ll have to share a dorm with someone I don’t know, but in some way I feel as if that person will have much for respect for my space and belongings. I’m ready to spread my wings and start a refreshing new chapter of my life as a college student.
My plan for college is to go in open minded and willing to do new things. I plan on being a forensic scientist and/or forensic crime-scene photographer. This is something I’ve seen myself doing since I was little and, believe me, I am still 100% into it. How do you think I know when my belongings go missing or are touched/moved? I can tell if my sister has moved by things by even an inch, because I know exactly where I left them.
I want to become someone that is acknowledged by the pride I take in the job I do. I know I can become one of the best. All I have to do is believe in myself and how far I can go. I want my life to be completely different in as many ways as possible: everything should be a positive.
CAPSTONE ESSAY UPDATE – 05/08/2015
Now here is how my senior year played out…
This year began as a really rocky one for me – with a break-up. It hit me hard, and the old pattern seemed to be starting up again. Then I had a talk with myself. Why keep crying and mourning over something I have no control over? If you can’t build with someone and encourage one another, then what’s your purpose?
I think I found out what that purpose was this year as well. Did I forget to mention I have a 1-month and 23-day old goddaughter named Ava Annemarie Hardy. She was born on March 15th, 2015 at 11:55 a.m. and I was there lending my love and support. I swear she’s my pride and joy. Everything I do I’m doing for her! She also pushes me to be a better me because I have to always be a good example for her, especially when she’s old enough to understand. Her mother is Larissa, who is my best friend. She’s been my rock through it all. Every time I’m down and out, she makes sure I always see the bigger picture. And it’s vice versa: it’s been a really rocky year for her, too. Seeing her go through a lot of similar challenges shows me neither one of us ever have to feel alone. It reminds me that I have grown stronger than ever. Now I’m 100% ready to start a new adventure in life. I want that chance to go away to college and experience new bigger and better things, because I know life has so much more to offer me. I won’t ever let anyone else bring me down. I can’t afford for anyone to bring me down, because I know where I want to go and where I want to be in the future. If certain people in my life can’t understand it and respect that, then I can’t continue to have them in my life. I want this and I refuse to lose it!
We can sum that up like this: when things get rocky, it’s time to become a rock.