Terrified of writing the 25-minute essay that's now a part of the SAT and optionally part of the ACT?

Uniquely U. says, “Not to worry.” After all, the “essay” you are required to write is a 5-Paragraph Essay. They're so easy to crank out you can have yours practically written before you even get there test day.

To best it, you don’t even need to know the topic; just know it's bound to be some cheesy but confusing quote or proverb, which you can virtually ignore if, a week before the test, you prepare yourself thusly:

First, you’re going to pick one of Shakespeare’s plays you’ve already read for school. Macbeth will do. On flashcards, re-familiarize yourself with the names of the key characters and the play’s theme so that, come test day, you can spout them automatically.

Next, you’re going to similarly review a pivotal event in history (perhaps the Civil War) and memorize, say, the date of a key battle, the generals involved, and battle’s outcome. Finally, you’ll also have in mind an example of an ethical dilemma you’ve personally faced--good preparation for your college essay, too.

Now, using the template below, timer set, practice writing about these 3 topics across two pages of lined notebook paper until you can comfortably, in 5 minutes or less, write 3 equally longish paragraphs each impressively crammed with names, dates, turning points, and lessons learned. This is the space you'll need to fill on test day, and visualizing your 5 paragraphs laid out in your SAT test booklet is crucial.

At the top of the first page you'll write your introductory "thesis" paragraph, which will read something like this:

¶ 1: I agree and/or disagree with the statement (Repeat the quote as worded. Now restate the meaning in your own words, thereby setting up the supportive evidence you've memorized.
Examples from literature, history and my own experience bear me out…)

Now, temporarily leaving the midsection of the two pages blank, jump to the bottom of the second page, where you'll write your summary paragraph:

¶ 5: Clearly then, based on these examples in literature, history, and my own experience, a solid case exists that supports/opposes/synthesizes my belief…(Repeat the original aphorism in its entirety.)

Now, on to your 3-paragraph middle. Under your already-written thesis paragraph, write the beginning of your topic sentence for your Lit paragraph:

¶ 2 : An example from literature that bolsters/opposes my position is…

One-third of the way down the remaining space, write the beginning of your topic sentence for your History paragraph:

¶ 3 : An example from history that bolsters/opposes my position is…

Finally, two-thirds of the way down your middle, write:

¶ 4 : An example from my personal experience that bolsters my position is…

Practice until you can set up your answer in less than 10 minutes.

Now, preparing to spend no more than 5 minutes on each of the three middle paragraphs, back up to ¶ 2 to fill in your Lit paragraph with three or more detailed examples from Macbeth…

On to filling in ¶ 3 with your history evidence…

Finally on to ¶ 4 with the personal experience example you've been practicing.

Be sure to throw in some “hence”s, “heretofore”s, “conversely”s, and the ever-popular “ironically” on your way to a best-possible score of 800 points.

FINAL STEP: Now that all this fake writing is behind you, call Uniquely U. College Essay Consultants. You deserve to have some creative fun, learn some cool things about yourself, and craft a college essay that shares with the colleges of your choice how and why you are uniquely you.